Silent Retreat - Stella Maris

[Pilar]

Thanks Elaine! - Here it is:

All - this is a very very draft partial chapter. I am not sure if I ever posted it - I don't think so. Mostly it is a placeholder for thoughts - later I will add polish, and movement, and hopefully some humor.

For now - just ideas. this is the intro to a four day silent retreat I will go on.

Feedback: Were the explanations of the concepts adequate? Is it too much sanskrit in the beginning? Should I do more? less?
Any parts of particular interest? Open to any other feedback.

*****

The eastern philosophy of Samkhya, describes three states, or gunas, that we experience in varying degrees and measures. One of these three gunas, is sattva, which can be described as being in a state of luminosity, serenity or harmony. The remaining two qualities are rajas (passion, driven) and tamas (lethargy, inactive, disordered, negative). Admittedly, I lean toward a dominance of tamas energy. One of my favorite actives is to lie in a hammock on a warm day, with an iced-tea and good book, or simply sit on the side of the river watching it flow by. Other days can find me worried or anxious about some temporary stressor in my life, such as money or relationship. And while a certain amount of tamas is desirable, as tamas is what keeps us in our physical bodies (and I like the hammock part!), I do not want to live my life dominated by tamas energy. For those of us on the spiritual path, those of us who seek to recognize, always, the divine within, who work toward peace and understanding within ourselves, we aspire toward being a sattvic dominated individual, rather than a tamas or rajas dominated individual. But how does this happen? How does one spend more time in a peaceful state than an anxious state? Are there choices we can make to achieve this? Are there activities or environments that support a sattvic lifestyle?

Fortunately, the answer to these questions is yes! We do have the ability to choose, to move toward what we want, to support ourselves on the spiritual journey in such a way that we can influence our tendencies toward sattva, tamas and rajas – even when such tendencies seem to have been instilled since birth. We can change and need not be directed by external events, but rather we can learn to be inner directed.

So how does one do this? How do we support ourselves on this inner directed highway toward sattva? One way, is learning to recognize what practices and environments support peace within oneself. Of course, the ultimate goal is that regardless of the events, environment or drama occurring outside oneself, we can remain sattvic inside – however, for most of us – we need support along the way to achieve this enlightened state. And while it is still easy (and often) that I allow myself to be pulled into the emotional drama of life - I am at least now conscious of when it is happening, and recognize that I have a choice to participate or not. And more often I am choosing people, places and activities that support my spiritual growth and inner peace.

One of the supportive environments that I have come to recognize as critical for me, is the need to be alone for significant stretches of time. As an introvert, I am used to enjoying alone time - but this new appreciation of solitude is different. I am not pushing away uncomfortable environments (such as avoiding parties or crowds), but rather I am seeking out, moving toward long stretches of quietude. Left to my own schedule, I gravitate toward 6- 8 hours in solitude every day, with little or no direct interaction with others. While this is difficult to achieve with a family and full time job in a busy office - I find, nonetheless, that I strive toward this goal, and that several hours per day are a minimum. I have been leaning toward a longer stretch of time - something in the order of several days of silence, and I am curious as to why this need is increasing now, at this point in my life? It is an odd contradiction to the joy I experience with other people, and even finding a new talent for public speaking. Yet after all this enjoyable public interaction is over - its back to the cave I return. Why do I feel this way, and how can I satisfy my need for deep solitude?

These questions and more have been swirling inside my head for some time, and I decide to talk to Bodhayan about it.

It’s a crisp, fall Tuesday in New Jersey - and Bodhayan and I are walking along the river path. At one time, a train ran alongside the river, but the rails have long since been removed and the tracks converted to a 29-mile walking and biking trail. I’ve taken the day off work to provide focused time to nourish my own being, and decide to spend part of here, walking along the river with Bodhayan.

As we walk, leaves are falling from the trees all about us - golden oaks, red maples and mixtures of orange, tans and yellows - there are so many leaves, in fact, they make a carpet upon the ground where we are walking. The sun is streaming down through the branches, and where the river shows herself between these colored wonders, she sparkles like diamonds, with the sun bouncing off her surface and reflecting joyous brilliance into the day.

Increasingly, I notice the beauty of the world around me, and the simple joys of being alive. I walk and I breathe and I relax into the moment. After we walk for a few minutes, I am ready to talk. Bodhayan, as is usual, patiently waits for my “circling” as he calls it, to settle down as well, and so allows the silence to continue until I am ready to speak.

“Bodhayan?” I begin, “I like being alone. I mean, I like being with you and my family and friends, but I like also being alone, and it seems that lately, I need even more alone time.”

“Need in what way, Pilar?” he asks.

“Well, the vibrations that run through me calm down when I am alone, I don’t feel the need for outside stimulation and drama the way I used to.”

“Ahh - that flat business again!” Bodhayan says, laughing, where he is referencing my previous declaration that the world seemed so flat when there was no drama in it.

“Yes,” I reply, “only now I don’t think of times without drama as “flat” as much as I think of them as nourishing, and necessary. And Bodhayan? It’s increasing - and I am feeling drawn to take an extended period in silence.”

“Does this surprise you?”

“A little, I mean, I wasn’t working toward this or asking for this - it’s just appearing. Is this normal?” I ask somewhat hesitantly.

Bodhayan looks over to me as we walk, and replies: “Pilar, I think I’ve told you before - we are not working toward “normal.” What chakra is normal?”

I think for a moment and reply, “Third?”

“Yes. And why is it third?”

I think for a moment more and reply: “Because normal implies that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way. And if there is normal, then there is something that is not normal.”

“Good - and is this where you want to be? Do you want to stay in third? Do you want to be spending your energy judging what is good and what is bad, rather than using discernment?”

“No,” I reply, as I look down toward the ground.

“Pilar, where you are heading on this path is beyond the boundaries of right and wrong, normal and abnormal, good and bad. When all is One, we do not focus on what is not the One.” And now we walk in silence, which I am glad, as it allows me time to think on this concept.

After a few moments, Bodhayan continues: “Look at the trees around us, Pilar.”

And dutifully, I look around at the tall expanse of trees that line our path, and run alongside the river, and then across the river to the other shore where they climb up the gentle slopes of the hillsides before disappearing beyond my view.

“Can you say that one tree is better than another tree? That this tree is bad and this tree is good?”

“No.” I reply. “A tree is a tree. Some are tall, some are small, some have large leaves, some do not – a tree just…just is.” I reply.

“Okay, then” Bodhayan responds, “So why would you ask if one part of you is good? Eventually, Pilar, you will learn to love all the parts of yourself, without needing to point out parts that are “good” or “normal” and parts that are not. Now, ask your question again, but this time see if you can frame it in fifth chakra consciousness.”

I take a few moments to pull my mind into fifth chakra consciousness. In this space, one experiences the realization of the oneness of all things – attachment, jealousy, superiority, fears, these emotions are replaced with the knowledge that the Universe resides in all of us – and to experience the beauty of being part of something that is bigger than ourselves, yet also is ourselves, is beauty beyond words.

We continue walking in silence while I work on bringing myself into a fifth chakra state. I notice again the sun and the river and the trees and my own physical body moving through this space, and once I am fully present in the moment, I am ready to ask my question again, careful to leave out judgmental references to normal or good. “Bodhayan - I am feeling drawn to spending more time in silence, in contemplation, in peace with little external stimulation. How does this relate to spiritual growth and is it something that would be helpful to me to invest more energy toward?”

“As we reach higher states of consciousness, Pilar, it is common to seek extended times of silence. Swamiji would tell us “alone but not lonely.” In these states of consciousness we no longer seek out the stimulation and drama of this world, but rather find peace in the moment - right here, right now, and we do so without judging the moment as good or bad, normal or abnormal. Do you understand?”

“I think I do.” I reply, as now, being fully present and I am not just understanding, but experiencing.

“Pilar, are you familiar with Abraham Maslow?”

“A little. We studied him in a management course I took. I think he had a pyramid of needs? Hierarchal needs?”

“Yes - that is one of his teachings. What is interesting about Maslow, though - is that he studied healthy people - rather than working through pathology and how to “fix” what is “wrong” with people - he studied psychologically healthy and advanced individuals. As part of his work, he was able to put together a list of 16 or so traits that he called traits of self-actualized individuals. You can look these up sometime if you wish. One of the traits in self-actualized individuals, is consistently spending time alone. Seeking out time alone, having a certain amount solitude each day.”

“Ohh! That’s like me!” I say with a smile and some excitement.

“Oh, really?” Bodhayan replies with a smile as well.

“Yes!” I reply, excited to learn that someone else has studied this. “And Bodhayan, it’s not just a few hours here and there - but I am feeling a strong internal desire to extend this quietude for several days, or a week or more even.”

“That can happen if you want it to you.”

“I do.” I reply, “And actually - I just learned that the students of Swami Veda are planning to have an extended silent retreat - and I want to go.”

“If that is something you want to experience, then of course, attend. But know, Pilar, that silence is not so much what is occurring outside of you - but inside of you. Eventually, you will not need to set aside a special time or special space to enjoy silence. But for now, you may find the experience to be helpful.”

As we continue our walking and talking, I cover a few more topics that were on my mind, but the excitement of participating in an extended silent retreat dominates my thoughts for the rest of the afternoon.

I will go.

[elaine]

Waiting!

[Carolyn]

I have a couple of reactions to this that are actually . . .maybe, funny - sad - good . . .

Having read and been introduced to B through his writing in the Penseive I can't for the life of me imagine him speaking as clearly to anyone as he does to you in these pieces. There is a HUGE cognitive dissonance there for me (that actually has nothing to do with the price of tea in China, I know). B has always been a bit of a mystery to me. I'm uncomfortable with the patronizing tone of this Bodhayan's (the one I have known since the start) voice . . . but now I think I realize its a voice you give him... his voice is not this measured. He can't be speaking to you like this if he's the same man . . . I can't reconcile those two images . . .

I am coming to understand that Bodhayan is NOT Bodhayan, but YOU. YOU have this inner voice that guides you - maybe in response to Bodhayan's teaching - but he is not asking you these questions like this. This is not him. It's a writing ploy; a ruse to allow you to respond. The voice you give B elicits the didactic responses. ta DA! How dumb am I? It took me this long to figure this out!

The Bodhayan of the book must be a fictionalized shaman or mentor or leader losely based on your experience of conversation with and the wisdom of Bodhayan.

This realization gives me a whole new vision and understanding of the pieces you are writing. This gives me a super interesting insight into the nature of these 'dialogues' that I love and I think you should be transparent about in the book - because the 'voice' of the Bodhayan in the book is unnerving (and for me off putting). Knowing it is a symbolic, heuristic voice that represents a spiritual process and, though perhaps not originating in 'Pilar', representing 'Pilar's' understanding, is instructive. I too, maybe, should speak to myself like that: THAT is 'the secret' (even like in The Secret!) That is the secret to spiritual awakening: to be able to ask yourself; to reason your own way through . . .

This is clear to me. This piece is clear. Maybe clearer than any of the others.

This I can digest now. This is the God concept. God lives within; it is the recognition and reconciliation of the order of the universe with which we are one; that we conceptualize and articulate as we must and make ourselves one with - and learn / work to accept.

I get it!



Right?

[Peter]

Bodhayan says: Yeah, when being quoted, call me crazy, am insistent that what she reports, I would actually say,

[Peter]

Were the explanations of the concepts adequate? Is it too much sanskrit in the beginning? Should I do more? less?

The beginning Sanskrit is clear and useful. You explain the three and then use them. No problems there.

Admittedly, I lean toward a dominance of tamas energy.

No. You don’t. Your history, actions all deny this. You might -more accurately–say “I see myself as leaning towards…” which may be a true statement, and more clearly identifies where the problem is.

To steal from Oriah:

The Grandmother in the dream told me…, "The question is not why are you so infrequently the person you really want to be but why do you so infrequently want to be the person you really are." And then she answered the question saying, "Because you have no faith that who you are is enough." And she continued, "But it is.

So I would argue that the struggle you’re going through here is the same as Oriah’s, and I’ll even assert that Bodhayan agrees (Eventually, Pilar, you will learn to love all the parts of yourself, without needing to point out parts that are “good” or “normal” and parts that are not. And I think of Siddhartha, who sat by the side of the river till he was enlightened. (Albeit without the ice tea if I remember correctly).

And I mean, I totally understand this unhelpful self-judgement, as I do it too. I’m constantly telling Diana how lazy I am, and she points out all I’ve done, but I know I could have done much more, if only I weren’t so lazy.

The opening three paragraphs do seem separate from the rest of the piece. As we’re only part way through I won’t yet say to cut them, but you need to either use the Sanskrit more later, or think about whether it earns its place.

Bodhayan looks over to me as we walk, and replies: “Pilar, I think I’ve told you before - we are not working toward “normal.” What chakra is normal?”

Minor twitch: nested quotation marks alternate between “ and ‘. So this should be: Bodhayan looks over to me as we walk, and replies: “Pilar, I think I’ve told you before - we are not working toward ‘normal.' What chakra is normal?” This comes up a few times ( “Because normal implies that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way." As I said, minor….

Lol. “Pilar, where you are heading on this path is beyond the boundaries of right and wrong, normal and abnormal, good and bad. As Rumi says "Beyond good and bad, there is a field. I'll meet you there.”

I like the sneaky way you suddenly say, “And actually - I just learned that the students of Swami Veda are planning to have an extended silent retreat - and I want to go.” when it seems to me that getting approval for this was your agenda all along. Am I wrong?

Fine piece, and I enjoy the dialogue. As I said, for me those opening three ¶s need more integration, but maybe in the next section. I can wait….

[Dreamkeeper]

Pilar, I totally agree with Peter that you are NOT predominantly Tamas - at least I see no sign of it in the many writings of yours that I have read in the Croft! I'm sure we all have some tamas energy, but it is one thing to have some, and quite another to be predominantly tamas.

I found your descriptions in the beginning paragraphs to be easy to understand and digest. No problems there.

There was one place later on in the piece, however, that I thought maybe you didn't mean: "we can influence our tendencies toward sattva, tamas and rajas... (in the second paragraph). It seemed like you were saying that tamas is a good choice - but that is not what I got from the first paragraph. Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you meant.

I especially appreciated these thoughts that you expressed:
1. Normal implies that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way. And if there is normal, then there is something that is not normal.” I frequently find myself making judgments like that but am now aware enough of it that I catch myself sooner. I am aiming to hold strongly to a belief that I have no right to judge anyone.

2. We can change and need not be directed by external events, but rather we can learn to be inner directed. A challenge for me - but well worth the effort.

3. One of the supportive environments that I have come to recognize as critical for me, is the need to be alone for significant stretches of time. Most of my life has been lived more as an extrovert. But in the last three+ years since I have been retired, I have found true joy in solitude. So I can understand how it feeds you.

4. I take a few moments to pull my mind into fifth chakra consciousness. In this space, one experiences the realization of the oneness of all things – attachment, jealousy, superiority, fears, these emotions are replaced with the knowledge that the Universe resides in all of us – and to experience the beauty of being part of something that is bigger than ourselves, yet also is ourselves, is beauty beyond words. AMEN. What more can one say? Those kind of experiences, for me, only come through in times of solitude and reflection. I crave them.

You inspire me with everything you write. I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow spiritually through your posts and your feedback.

With deep appreciation,
Dreamkeeper

[elaine]

I find the explanation at the beginning helpful and simple. The recent pieces you have submitted have been increasingly readable and understandable for me....the language and the concepts are clear, insightful and so very helpful to me in my own life.

The question/answer dialogue is a great method to move the evolving understanding of ideas along. I read Esmerelde's note and found it interesting that I had similar reactions a while ago and have admired your ability to use this kind of 'strategy' in the writing.

I am drawn to your writing for both its simplicity and complexity. I learn a lot. I also feel very connected to much of it....at times I feel we live somewhat parallel lives and then find myself thinking about the universality of humanity, the connections, and the evidence that we are all somehow living the same life. Your writing brings out this depth of thought and sensation.

This is my favourite line:

that silence is not so much what is occurring outside of you - but inside of you

. The entire discussion and growing awareness of the idea of silence is well done. The part about emotional drama is timely for me, especially the choice of whether or not to participate...you offer great reminders!

I really hope to read more of your writing again.

[Pilar]

Dear All

thank you for your insights, support and suggestions! I shall incorporate into changes and refinements as I move along. I greatly appreciate the time and energy each of spent reading and responding..

One item I will address -

Esmerelde writes:

I am coming to understand that Bodhayan is NOT Bodhayan, but YOU. YOU have this inner voice that guides you.....This I can digest now. This is the God concept. God lives within; it is the recognition and reconciliation of the order of the universe with which we are one; that we conceptualize and articulate as we must and make ourselves one with - and learn / work to accept.

I get it!

to which Peter responds:

Bodhayan says: Yeah, when being quoted, call me crazy, am insistent that what she reports, I would actually say,

In the words of Ken Wilbur - "everyone is a little bit right...everyone has a bit of the Truth..."

Bodhayan is an "in the flesh" person - a spiritual teacher in flatland language - but I find not easily describable once we move into a discussion of "Real versus unreal."

And every conversation, every experience in Lights on the Path, and to be printed in Peace On the Path has occurred -

And there we are - and so what does that all matter, really? I often write that a poem is not finished until it is read, as the reader will surround the poem with their own experiences and samskara's and it will have a different meaning and effect to all. Same is true to my books - each one of us is free to interpret in the way they choose - and hopefully in a way that will bringing meaning.

And in the larger sense - Yes, Bodhayan is me...and You are me...and each of the individualized walking sentient beings on this planet are all part of one great consciousness....truly, there is no separation other than that which we imagine.

For Fun - a few pictures!!

[Peter]

Pro tip: Pilar is the one on the left.

[Carolyn]

I understand.

I understand better and better . . .

Thank you for the pictures.